My first mistake?

Surely this was not my first mistake in parenting 3 young children after divorce but it was a doozy. I just can’t get past the harm I’m now sure I did to my oldest daughter who was then 6 years old. At the time I thought I was being so smart; I thought it was such a good thing to do.

It was early in the journey. He had left, I had discovered the other relationship, the house was sold, the children and I were living in our own home.

She didn’t want to go to her dad’s house. She hadn’t wanted to go for the a while, and her dad had been relenting. Sometimes she won. She was and is a skilled negotiator.

I remember she and I were outside having the discussion and it was clear she was putting her foot down this time. I remember the weather was pleasant; we were in the front yard of our safe, sweet house. Finally, feeling like the argument might be the point I said to her, “You have to go. There is nothing I can do about it and you simply have to go.”

I can still see her body language change as it sunk in what I had said.

At the time I thought I was doing her the favor of taking the decision out of her hands. At the time I thought I was committing a selfless act of encouraging the relationship with her dad that I felt was truly important. If I could take all of it out of her hands, if she had no power to control the decision, then she wouldn’t have to feel guilty for leaving me or feel disloyal to our relationship. She simply had to go, not because she wanted to, not because I wanted her to, she just had to go.

Her body posture changed, she got in the car and she went. We never  had to discuss it again.

I shared this breakthrough with close friends and they applauded my wisdom. I felt it was a gift I had given her to allow her to visit with her dad and not feel as if she had abandoned me. It certainly was sacrificial; I didn’t want her to go either. Later when my ex husband accused me of not valuing his place in their lives and attempting to compromise his relationship with his children I had this situation and 1000 others to fortify me against the attack. There were so many attacks I had to keep track of the truth with a diary. He was never interested in hearing any of the actual truth so I never had a chance to share any of this with him, the important part was that I knew the truth.

So now, she is 18, suffering from depression, floundering in getting started in this life. After 10 years of visits consisting of what I consider emotional abuse, I don’t feel so smart.I say 10 years because her father passed away 2 years ago. It was a mistake to tell her she had to go. With a few words I took away her power to do anything about her situation. I told her unequivocally that I could not help her, I could not save her from her new reality. I abdicated my mama power and handed away respect. I handed the power over to her father and I have regretted that mightily. I taught her something about being a mommy that I never should have taught her and she learned it too well.

It didn’t take 10 years to see what was happening for her but once it was done I couldn’t change it. I see how weak I was then. I see how clueless I was to our new situation. I never let her father and step mother have that much control with the two younger children and their experience has been very different. Her father and step mother were never as interested in the other two.

My friends who walked this journey with me say, her step mother saw me in her, saw her as a threat and worked to keep her down. I would agree with that. Step mom couldn’t let my daughter be close to her dad, couldn’t let my daughter outshine her daughter of the same age. Step mom worked herself as a wedge between dad and daughter until they only communicated through her, and she worked it to her advantage and to the loss of the relationship completely. Completely. At this point how will there ever be healing? But that’s another story all together.

When I realized how bad this new situation was going to be with the parents arguing over every issue only because her dad could not handle not winning the argument, which left me compromising in all possible instances to protect the children, I did try to move away. It was the only way I could see possible peace for our lives. I was committed to bringing the children back to town to visit their dad, they would have had the same amount of time at his house. But, like I said, it was the fight he enjoyed and he didn’t spare any expense financially or emotionally to keep us in town. So here we are 12 years later. He is gone now and it’s as if the gates to prison have been opened. The gates are open but I’m staying. It is nice knowing I could go if I wanted to and take my babies with me. Of course my 18-year-old baby wouldn’t be along and her baby would be here still, so I stay. But that’s another story too.

a reminder to me

At some point, you’ll be asked to love the unlovable,

forgive the unforgivable,

and bear the unbearable –

and the reward will be the pure joy of finally

believing the unbelievable…

these are the conditions for your awakening.

jodi hills

February 5

Our grandson spent the night last night. He is such a joy and treasure. He is 11 months now and walking. Getting faster every day. He spent the previous night here too. The bigger news was that his mother spent last night with us as well. She has done that only once before, Christmas Eve of last year, since she moved out of our house.

I was determined not to bring up any of the issues she and I need to discuss. I had  decided I would not ask her a single uncomfortable question. I wanted this overnight to be purely enjoyable for her and hence the rest of us. I could not risk her crossing our house off her list of options.

She is getting ready to leave the house now; he’s staying here until tomorrow afternoon she says. She has a party to go to.

I’m glad she’s been here with us, with him. I’m very glad he is here.

There are times in my life that I look back on and wonder, why did I handle the situation that way? Why didn’t I get a better handle on things? Today I am reminded why. Sometimes the only choice we have is to make each choice to the best of our ability minute by minute. I admit I’m at a loss as to how to fix this. I think it’s safe to just keep choosing to respond with love. Of course we all know that’s a tricky one, love doesn’t mean they always get their way. Sometimes love is not the happy answer. In those instances it helps to remember she needs to be able to count on me to be consistent. I don’t have the power to make her do it my way but I can choose to be faithful to my way AND still love her.

She is 18 and living on her own. Working, mostly supporting herself, although barely. It is no longer my job to be responsible for her and her decisions. In our relationship I am only responsible for my decisions. Not only is it futile to tell her what she can and can’t do, it only makes her more determined to go ahead with it because I told her not to. And that means it takes longer for her to be able to see the situation clearly and make a good choice. I am trying to stay out of the way of her decisions, because when you take control you also have to take the blame, and trying keep our baby boy out of the way of her decisions as well.

Of course, like the rest of us, she is the only one standing in the way of her own success. It has been her m.o. to blame everyone around her for the bad situations she finds herself in. I feel strongly if I stay out of the line of blame she will have to eventually look to herself to find out what is really going on in her life. She is a smart young woman and whenever she wants to she’ll be able to make it work.

I love her so much.

Quilter’s Life Insurance

I count making quilts as one of the things I like to do. I don’t like quilting, which technically is the stitching of the finished top, middle and bottom pieces that make up the quilt but I do love to make quilts. I would guess I’ve made over 100. The first quilt I made was a Valentine gift for my oldest daughter on her first Valentine’s Day. I did not know what I was doing but I really wanted her to have a quilt that I had made and so I believed I could do it and then I just did it. She is 18 and she has loved that quilt for 17 years. She has inspired me to do so many things I didn’t know I could do simply because I was determined to do the right thing for her.

That first quilt is a simple pattern of large alternating blocks with appliqued hearts and a border. I did quilt that one myself, again, because I didn’t know that I didn’t know how to do it. The bottom corner heart is signed with a line from the lulabye that I sang to her. I sang that lulabye to all of my children and continue to sing it to my grandchild now. My sister upon hearing me sing it when we both had young children said, “I’ve never known the real words.” My reply was a chuckle, “Oh, those aren’t the real words, I just made them up.” Not being an expert hasn’t stopped me from doing. That lulabye is so very special to us now I wouldn’t dream of ever changing it and singing the “real” words.

After a few more baby quilts I decided to take a quilting class. Baby number 2 was on the way and we were decorating a bedroom from daughter number 1 to move to as she moved out of the nursery. This quilt was a twin size log cabin in pastel floral and solids which matched the curtains and the window seat cushion. Precious. The Log Cabin Quilt in a Day class really did impact my life. I began making quilts for everyone I knew. I enjoyed it. It was fun, creative and quick. I rellished being able to create a personal work of art in a timely manner and share my love for someone with a tangible, useful, beautiful item. My mother made many things for me as a child and there is nothing that compares to handmade love. My older sister once made her 3 year old daughter a coat and told her that it had lovies sewn in to keep her warm. What a perfect sentiment. My sister taught me to sew lovies into my quilts too.

So now, 16 years after the class, sewing quilts and giving them away has become part of who I am. I enjoy it on every front. I have had to scale back somewhat because of other obligations. I now thoughtfully consider what do I have time for, is this putting my family first? Basically now my immediately family are the only ones who get quilts from me. My husband and I have 6 children together and 1 grandchild and quilts are not the only thing I make or do so I have to limit them. The thing about making quilts for all of the deserving folks is that I would want to make one for so many people and then surely I would not have time to make quilts for my family or to take care of my family and I have determined that God has placed these people closest to me to love first and best.

So they have baby quilts and other quilts and you get a quilt to commemerate your high school graduation. 3 down, 3 to go on the graduation quilt. With the arrival of our first grandchild,  I’m adding baby quilts to the list. My plan is to make 6 baby quilts,that’s one per child – not one per baby, all exactly the same, and have them ready to distribute at the baby time. Let me tell you why.

In 2009 my children’s father passed away at age 45. He and I had been divorced for 10 years at that time. His passing brought changes to all of our lives but concerning baby quilts it made me think how tragic it would be if some of our children had a quilt for their baby made by Grandmama and the others didn’t. What if I don’t make it to see my baby have a baby? I would want her to know I had planned ahead and was in love with her baby just like I am with all of the others. Of course it also made we want to get busy and have those high school graduation quilts ready also, but they are much more individual works.

The baby quilts are a made up pattern, I made it up. I am using a collection of Reproduction Fabrics, children’s fabric patterns reproduced from the 30s, 40s and 50s. I like these a lot and have liked them for a very long time.  I have been collecting yards and 1/2 yards of these fabrics for years and have not been able to use them not finding a project special enough to warrant it, until now. So I have plenty and am mixing them with a natural muslim for contrast. I have one completed, happily being used.  The others are all cut and somewhat sewn, waiting being sewn into squares and finished. It is much quicker to make them all at once.

I’ll finish them. Pack them carefully and store them with each child’s name to be doled out at the appropriate time. I know it will give me a great deal of peace once they are completed. It already gives me peace coming up with an idea that gives a small measure of control of the future and having a positive impact on my family. Quilters Life Insurance. I realize there will be more than one baby per family and if I’m around I’ll certainly make a quilt for each baby but at least each family will have one. My children’s Great Grandmother crocheted a blanket for my oldest daughter that she could not do for the other two, but they all used it and it was special because it was from her.

The year before high school

I am fortunate enough to be spending this year homeschooling my 10th grade son and 8th grade daughter. While my son will be completing high school at home my daughter is interested in attending our local high school. Each day I have with her this year is a treasure to me. What do I want to teach her before she launches into the world of the high school?

I want her to know her value. I want her to have confidence in her abilities and confidence in her voice. I will teach her to take care of herself and prepare her physical and mental space for the challenges she will face. Oh my little pumpkin I will miss you so much.

I plan to accomplish this in the final five months of the school year through a variety of tactics but mostly I will spend this time talking with her, listening to her, experiencing things with her, learning new things with her, reading with her and trying to make the most of the this flexible, enjoyable, cozy, sweet time of early adolescence at home.

A book I am currently re-reading in order to prepare myself for all of this mother daughter time is Mother Daughter Wisdom by Dr Christiane Northrup. This book would make a wonderful gift for a friend of yours with a daughter turning 1 or 2 or 5 or 10. Much valuable wisdom in this book.

What’s a Grandmama to do?

I’ve been  searching for information on how to help a teenage daughter who happens to also be a mama and not finding anything at all on the topic. What is this new role and how do I best fill it? First to decide is what is my role. Certainly because of her age, 18, I am not in the traditional grandmother role I had always imagined. I realize it is a supportive role but how much support? Support in what ways?

My decisions about these things seem to have such an impact. I feel almost paralyzed into inaction simply to avoid doing the wrong thing. I want to encourage her, to remind her that she can do this. I want to tell her she is a good, loving mama and she has all of the skills and abilities she needs to do a great job raising her son; he is 10 months old today. I will tell her that and more.

What do I say when I see her making a selfish choice; imagine, an 18 year old who wants to do her own thing with her friends. But she has a child and doesn’t have the luxury of complete freedom, but she loves him, but she gets overwhelmed, but every new mother gets overwhelmed, but she is so young, but he has a young mother – he does- he has a very young mother- don’t try to change his reality- God knows what He is doing.

“How about the baby just comes to live with us for a few years until you are ready to settle into this role. This is such an important time for him to have the security and stability of a regular schedule. Then you could see him whenever you wanted to but he would have a home base.” “Well if you think I can’t handle this responsability you are wrong! I’ll show you I can do this! I won’t ever ask for your help again! He is my baby, he is not your baby!”

Do I hold her up and make it work for her and prayerfully for him as well? That must be the best thing that can happen. Support her with emotional encouragement, be ready to help out with the baby whenever she asks and continue to give her opportunities to choose her role, I mean continue to give him back to her. Or do I try to have him in my care as much as possible so that I know for sure all of his needs are being met and consider myself his primary care giver and attachment person during this important time, reserving the place for them to have a closer relationship later when she is older, when he is established within himself. How strongly should I voice this? Am I not speaking up for my grandchild in the way that I should because I am scared my daughter will pull away from me and take the baby with her?

Simply writing my thoughts makes it obvious to me I am operating from a position of fear. The Lord has not given us a spirit of fear but of love. Time to pray about this and step out in faith and love.

Still Searching

If it’s not helpful don’t say it.